i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
