At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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