Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
