I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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