A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
