I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
