Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
