Where is the hickey?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
