So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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