I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i love accidental penises.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
