Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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