I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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