If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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