george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
