so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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