If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
