Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
