just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
