The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
