I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Randomize
