Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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