NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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