It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The air was thick with penises
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
