Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
