Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she pinky promised me she was 18
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
