I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
