The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
