I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
