im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
