I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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