I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
