dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
