Betty ford says i'm here all night
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
