Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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