Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize