I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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