P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
