Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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