I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
