girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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