I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
