just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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