You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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