too bad you live with your parents still
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
