apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
