The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
