Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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