i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize