dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
