I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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