I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
