1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
