i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
