i already hear my dad disowning me
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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