Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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