Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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