ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i've created a new STD.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
