You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
